This was already a planned blog post of mine but I decided to do it tonight because of a school event…
Okay so where do I start?? I haven’t just contemplated it, I’ve attempted. This is something that while I’m not proud of it, I would never go back and do it differently. You know when you scrape your knee after tripping over your shoe lace? The next time you put your shoes on you made sure to tie your shoes correctly… It’s kind of like that for me. I felt like there was nothing in this world to live for, not even my friends and family. Well, I mean, what friends? They weren’t the best of friends anyways. When I look back at that time in my life, (8th grade) I realize how bad it was. I realize how ridiculously large my loathing for myself was. I realized that no matter how many times I sucked in my gut in the mirror… I wouldn’t go away. I won’t say that I was a victim of the media or society because I wasn’t. I was a victim of my self. My mind created all of these horrible thoughts. “you’re not worth it, no one truly loves you” My brain would whisper these things to my subconscious until I truly believed them. I guess you could say that for a time I was mentally ill.
When I was in 8th grade I was about 4’9-5’0 feet tall and I was about 160-ish pounds. Now, not to offend anyone but I was unhealthy. I wont say that I was wrong by thinking that I was ugly, or fat, or even not worthy of friends. I was all of these things. I was fat ugly and unworthy because of my self loathing. I absolutely hated myself. Somehow I kept the mask of joy over my fear, hatred, anger, and depression. I resented my friends and family for not knowing or even realizing that there was something wrong. I was depressed because it seemed like even the God I worshiped on Sundays and Wednesdays didn’t care about my problems. I was scared because I felt no joy even when with people who were supposed to lift me up and inspire me to do my best. How could no one see that I was dieing inside? I guess I was a good actor, me and Leo will probably never get an Oscar though…
I guess you want to know what happened. My mom took my younger brother and sister to go grocery shopping when I had an anxiety attack. I was crying and hyperventilating. Honestly I don’t know how I even though this was going to help but I ran a bath thinking that I might be able to de-stress some. While taking my clothes off I glanced at the mirror. I saw my gut, large thighs, arms that hung loose at my side, my fingers looked like sausages. I broke down into tears on the cold bathroom floor. I managed to crawl into the bathtub still heaving and crying like a baby. I managed to get control of my breathing but my eyes were still streaming with salt liquid. Honestly I don’t know why but I prayed to god to take away this immense weight on my shoulders. I begged in the fetal position hiccupping and wiping my nose with the back of my hand. I turned over on my back and just gave up. I could no longer live like this. I was going to die. There is a sort of peace before the air in your lungs is replaced with water.
So the question is, why am I still alive? I realized what I would be doing to the people in my life. I envisioned my sister finding me in the tub, shaking me. I could see her going to my mother and saying; “mommy, she’s asleep in the bath tub, I can’t wake her up” I could see my mother running into the bathroom ripping back the shower curtain and picking me up out of the water. Trying to bring me back but failing. She would’ve screamed and cried holding me on the cold bathroom floor. Who knows how long they would’ve been gone. Mom may have decided that it was a beautiful day for a walk in the park or maybe she took a long time in the store finding my favorite candy and sweet tea. I realized that my mother would forever blame herself and my sister would always be mentally scarred. I came out of that water a new person and I don’t know if you believe in god, Allah, or Buddha even but something divine happened to me that day.
Now I am perfectly fine. Well, I’m not depressed at least; I mean no one is perfect after all. Honestly I am probably overly confident. I have an unbreakable will to thrive in any environment you put me in and I am a changed girl. I lost the weight and I am now a healthy girl! 120lbs and 5’1 and a half! I’ve learned to not let my mind get to me, nor do I let others. Take some advice from me:
– NEVER EVER let someone bring you down.
– You are loved by someone.
– Depression is real, and it’s not something easy to overcome so if you have a friend who is depressed help them through it.
– Sometimes you just don’t know someone for who they truly are, so don’t get yourself down because you didn’t know someone was depressed, people are amazing actors.
– If you’re depressed, don’t let that grow inside of you.
– All of you are loved by me and if you ever need anything just email me (link at the bottom)
– Ending your life is just an escape method used by those who refuse to see the truth in life, you are more important than you think!!!
-If you’ve attempted do not be ashamed, you are here for a reason! Live your life to the fullest extent and I don’t mean go partying every night, I mean make your life one worth living. Have people who care if you come home at night.
– You will never get back the time you spent worrying about what you look like.
I love you
PS tip the pizza man, he has to live too