This was already a planned blog post of mine but I decided to do it tonight because of a school event…
Okay so where do I start?? I haven’t just contemplated it, I’ve attempted. This is something that while I’m not proud of it, I would never go back and do it differently. You know when you scrape your knee after tripping over your shoe lace? The next time you put your shoes on you made sure to tie your shoes correctly… It’s kind of like that for me. I felt like there was nothing in this world to live for, not even my friends and family. Well, I mean, what friends? They weren’t the best of friends anyways. When I look back at that time in my life, (8th grade) I realize how bad it was. I realize how ridiculously large my loathing for myself was. I realized that no matter how many times I sucked in my gut in the mirror… I wouldn’t go away. I won’t say that I was a victim of the media or society because I wasn’t. I was a victim of my self. My mind created all of these horrible thoughts. “you’re not worth it, no one truly loves you” My brain would whisper these things to my subconscious until I truly believed them. I guess you could say that for a time I was mentally ill.
When I was in 8th grade I was about 4’9-5’0 feet tall and I was about 160-ish pounds. Now, not to offend anyone but I was unhealthy. I wont say that I was wrong by thinking that I was ugly, or fat, or even not worthy of friends. I was all of these things. I was fat ugly and unworthy because of my self loathing. I absolutely hated myself. Somehow I kept the mask of joy over my fear, hatred, anger, and depression. I resented my friends and family for not knowing or even realizing that there was something wrong. I was depressed because it seemed like even the God I worshiped on Sundays and Wednesdays didn’t care about my problems. I was scared because I felt no joy even when with people who were supposed to lift me up and inspire me to do my best. How could no one see that I was dieing inside? I guess I was a good actor, me and Leo will probably never get an Oscar though…
I guess you want to know what happened. My mom took my younger brother and sister to go grocery shopping when I had an anxiety attack. I was crying and hyperventilating. Honestly I don’t know how I even though this was going to help but I ran a bath thinking that I might be able to de-stress some. While taking my clothes off I glanced at the mirror. I saw my gut, large thighs, arms that hung loose at my side, my fingers looked like sausages. I broke down into tears on the cold bathroom floor. I managed to crawl into the bathtub still heaving and crying like a baby. I managed to get control of my breathing but my eyes were still streaming with salt liquid. Honestly I don’t know why but I prayed to god to take away this immense weight on my shoulders. I begged in the fetal position hiccupping and wiping my nose with the back of my hand. I turned over on my back and just gave up. I could no longer live like this. I was going to die. There is a sort of peace before the air in your lungs is replaced with water.
So the question is, why am I still alive? I realized what I would be doing to the people in my life. I envisioned my sister finding me in the tub, shaking me. I could see her going to my mother and saying; “mommy, she’s asleep in the bath tub, I can’t wake her up” I could see my mother running into the bathroom ripping back the shower curtain and picking me up out of the water. Trying to bring me back but failing. She would’ve screamed and cried holding me on the cold bathroom floor. Who knows how long they would’ve been gone. Mom may have decided that it was a beautiful day for a walk in the park or maybe she took a long time in the store finding my favorite candy and sweet tea. I realized that my mother would forever blame herself and my sister would always be mentally scarred. I came out of that water a new person and I don’t know if you believe in god, Allah, or Buddha even but something divine happened to me that day.
Now I am perfectly fine. Well, I’m not depressed at least; I mean no one is perfect after all. Honestly I am probably overly confident. I have an unbreakable will to thrive in any environment you put me in and I am a changed girl. I lost the weight and I am now a healthy girl! 120lbs and 5’1 and a half! I’ve learned to not let my mind get to me, nor do I let others. Take some advice from me:
– NEVER EVER let someone bring you down.
– You are loved by someone.
– Depression is real, and it’s not something easy to overcome so if you have a friend who is depressed help them through it.
– Sometimes you just don’t know someone for who they truly are, so don’t get yourself down because you didn’t know someone was depressed, people are amazing actors.
– If you’re depressed, don’t let that grow inside of you.
– All of you are loved by me and if you ever need anything just email me (link at the bottom)
– Ending your life is just an escape method used by those who refuse to see the truth in life, you are more important than you think!!!
-If you’ve attempted do not be ashamed, you are here for a reason! Live your life to the fullest extent and I don’t mean go partying every night, I mean make your life one worth living. Have people who care if you come home at night.
– You will never get back the time you spent worrying about what you look like.
I love you
PS tip the pizza man, he has to live too
I’m not sure if I’m interesting to get out 30 whole facts but hey, it’s worth a try right??
Here goes nothing I guess…
- I go to Early college which means I go to college and high school at the same time and I’ve almost got my associates degree. (I’ll actually be making a blog post later on, maybe even today, about things freshman in early college should know)
- I’m an ISTP on the Myers-Briggs test, if you want to know what that is or take the test yourself, the links will be at the bottom of the blog post!
- The first time I’d ever read a book over 300 pages in a 1 whole day was on a Saturday so I actually took almost the entire day. The book was Uglies by Scott Westerfeld and it was in middle school. I’m sure it happened before then with some Stephen King book or Daniel Steele book but I just remembered this one.
- I lost 40 pounds from the middle of my 8th grade year to the beginning of my 9th grade year and I’m currently 119-125 lbs on any given day and I’m a junior so woo.
- When I was 12 I had the measurements of a perfect woman “back in the day” (Besides height). This is counting breasts. Or so said my old sewing teacher when she was taking my measurements.
- I took a sewing class and made a Renaissance dress and it was lovely!
- After I had made the dress I joined 4-h and did a presentation on the history of Jacquard and Damask (whilst wearing the dress).
- I’ve been offered a spot in a local gallery to put my art in!! (eeeeeep 😀 )
- I have abstained from soda (With one or two exceptions) for about 2 years total.
- I’m starting a rap group called M/R^2 (M over r squared).
- I’ve been to only 16 US states and accidentally went to Mexico once when I was young.
- I used to live on the coast (Gulf shores AL).
- I’m horrible at painting.
- I’ve never been able to finish any of the many Novels I’ve started.(About 5)
- I have dreams that are so bad that they would make The Rock cry.
- I’ve been in a tornado.
- Some of my (previous) houses have been destroyed by hurricanes.
- Someone subscribed me to “Latina” magazine and paid for it because they thought I was Hispanic.
- I’m Italian.
- I’ve been in a 4k run walk.
- I’ve kept a journal since 6th grade.
- I really want to get into photography for a little bit at least.
- I want to learn how to develop my own photos (so you know, if you know anybody..)
- I can kind of play the piano..?
- I’m a horrible singer..
- I can dance but I’ve never had actual formal training. (I doubt kindergarten counts)
- I know some spanish and will hopefully be fluent by the end of the year.
- I’m also hoping to tackle Italian or maybe latin.
- My favorite color is BLUE.
- I could sit in the library for hours just reading different books, I love the smell of books old and new.
Here’s those links!!
Take the test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
Have a beautiful day!
So first off, sorry for not making a blog post in a while, I’m been swamped! Second, I’ve decided to write about where I see myself in the next ten years. Crazy right? Well, here goes nothing.
In the next ten years I hope to have at least a masters (hopefully a doctorate) in some sort of engineering! I want to have visited CERN!! I may even have a job there if I’m feeling bold enough today. I’ll live alone, maybe with a man by my side, in a nicer home with lots and lots of windows! I love windows. I will have an okay car but the best part is that I will be able to go where ever I want and I will have a good income and be able to just get on a plane and go.
I will go skydiving and snow boarding and I’ll have solar panels on my house and I’ll live someplace warmer. I’ll go to the beach whenever the hell I want and no one will tell me otherwise! I will go to my high school reunion looking 10 times better than when I graduated (exaggerating? nah..) ♥
I’ll have a dog or two, maybe cats instead, I guess it depends on that moment to be honest. I’ll have gone on some missions trips to everywhere around the globe and I’ll actually be in the position to be able to help people! I’ll be able to curl up with a mug of coffee and just read.
But I’ll also have responsibilities like checking the mail and paying bills and visiting my family and friends. When I come home for Christmas my friends will say where have you been?? You’re even more of a hermit now! My parents will just be happy I’m back for now and when I see my younger sister and brother I’ll just start crying like I am right now. They’ll be older and wont understand how beautiful it is to watch someone grow into the amazing person they are. They will never know what it’s like to hold someone so small and fragile in your hands and know that they will look up to you. They will never know how many times they’ve saved my life by simply be alive. When I see my older brother he will be there with his fiancé and he’ll announce the wedding even though I will have known for weeks because he was so excited he had to phone me right after he proposed. We’ll hug for a long time and both start crying again because he’s now a big doctor scientist who creates artificial spines and saving lives. In the end it will just be a big tear fest mixed with food, the sound of the tv playing in the background and stories being shared from Anthony and I’s time away from home. My dad will ask if I have anyone in my life and honestly I don’t know if I’ll be able to say yes or not but honestly that doesn’t matter because I’ll be right where I want to be in my life.
I’ll come visit more often sometimes to go to my little sister’s dance recitals and to see my brother miraculously play football even though he has only one kidney. He’ll throw the ball and turn to smile and wave at me. I smile and laugh because of how goofy he looks with a giant helmet on. Again the tears stream down and honestly I think I need to stop with this blog post because honestly I’m getting tears on my laptop……
Okay! So first I just wanted to give a shout out to U by Kotex for sending me this awesome sample pack!
Next, I wanted to talk about a hard topic, that’s right, your period. Mother nature kind of hates us sometimes and even though the thought of not being pregnant is great for most girls, the pain and grossness of this whole thing doesn’t always seem worth it to be honest. On top of that, this subject is often skimmed over in sex ed and hardly talked about with family members so how in the world are we supposed to know what to do with ourselves!? We blindly go through life hoping that we’re doing something right. AND, AND “feminine products” are expensive as well as confusing! I can remember my first “time of the month” it was horrible, embarrassing and probably the worst thing I’ve ever been through. MY mom swore that I could never wear tampons until I had sex and I was totally with her on that one I mean I wouldn’t even know where to start when putting that thing in! I’m probably one of the few people who prefers pads over tampons because well, tampons are 10 times more uncomfortable, and taking them out… ew.
So without further or do… 5 things you need to know about “Mother nature’s gift”
- Tampons can interfere with the body’s own flora balance to create conditions in which harmful bacteria can flourish, which can trigger the potentially fatal condition known as toxic shock syndrome (TSS). Synthetic tampon ingredients appear to be particularly prone to the Staphylococcus aureus bacteria linked to TSS. So ladies, please be aware of how long you’ve got them things in!
- If you started early, or late, and you aren’t prepared ask a friend for something, or buy out of those handy things in the bathroom! They are usually my very last choice though. If you bleed through, pray you have a jacket and tie it around your waist!!!!!! The 90s can be brought back for a few days.
- If you’re like me and you are open to trying new brands and love free stuff you can always check websites to get free samples like I did!
- When you have an eating disorder or if you’re just simply malnourished you will probably have a delayed/irregular period or bleed more/less. It’s very important to stay healthy and happy!(:
- YES you CAN go swimming while on your period! Just use a handy tampon, if it is applied correctly you should be fine.
Have a lovely day!
So first off, thanks Sara Hayes for this idea that I’m totally stealing!! The link to her blog post will be at the bottom! Feel free to enjoy her blog as well!
Anyways, today is a day for giving thanks, and even as small or silly(again thanks Sara) as they may seem I’m sure you all are thankful for SOMETHING. So today I’ll be giving you a list of the things I’m thankful for:
- NOT having turkey at thanksgiving dinner this year. (I’d much rather have ham for any occasion.)
- Unlimited coffee for this cold snowy day in western NC.
- Friends and Family to eat and converse with on this lovely evening!
- The amazing pumpkin pie and cheese cake desert.
- NO ONE WANTED TO WATCH FOOTBALL (Extra special thanks)
- Non-dairy creamer (I’m lactose intolerant)
- Good smelling incense to end the day with
- potholders because the pan really was hot…
- The amazing time I had tonight with my family and be able to go an entire meal without arguing (this is a thanksgiving miracle)
Here’s the link to Sara’s blog post:
I have always been worried about college. When I was 9 I already had college brochures for some school for what, nuclear physics? I thought I had it all figured out but honestly I don’t. I’m just as scared as anyone else! College used to be this big dream and I had fun planning out my dorm room and figuring out how much Harvard would cost per year but now college is this big weight on my shoulders. It scares the hell out of me.
When you are a freshman in high school they tell you that you should start thinking about what you want to do later in life, what you want to major in and then make into a career. You don’t have much stress on you and you’re simply just trying to pass the ninth grade. When you’re a sophomore they expect you to kind of know what you want to do with your life and probably put it on paper. When you’re a junior they want to to know the exact thing you want to do with your life, your calling if you will, they want you to know exactly which college you want to go to and the specific major you’re going to have. When you’re a senior they expect you to know all of that, and how to pay for it while living life on you own. The problem with this is that most of us have never taken a class on how to pay your taxes let alone your power and water bill! How do they expect us to live on our own when some people have never even seen a bill in their life? Parents and teachers assume that we just know these things and we will be fine in this world! No need to worry about us because we can just figure it out right? This is a crazy and completely stupid fantasy. Whoever thought this up was a complete idiot and should have never been listened to.
No matter what we do we will never be completely ready for life away from mom and dad, or just a home in general. However I do think that we could really be more prepared than this
Okay! So, I am changing over from my Blogger account to this one because I’m doing a collaborative blog with one of my favorite people! (Sara Gabrielle Hayes) The blog is called “In between Young and Adult”(The link will be below). I’m taking this opportunity to revamp my blog and give it a new life (metaphorically anyways).
So here’s a little toast to what will hopefully be a successful and brilliant blog!!
Check it out!!